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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Hate For The Rude

Kristen J. from the Working World

As a former Upstate New Yorker living in DC, the one thing that bugs me more than the horrific traffic is the people that stand ON MY ASS waiting in line to pay at a store. Maybe it's a Yankee thing, but it seems to me that if that runny-nosed child in your arms is touching my scarf with his germy ass hands, you need to back. the. fuck. up. Don't you know how fucking rude this is? I HATE YOU!!

The only reason people stand so far apart in New York is because everyone is thinking the same thing: "Is this person going to rape me, kill me or rob me?"

Hate For Nostalgics

Chris from Syracuse

I would like to formally issue the label of cocksucker fuckbag to each of you lame ass motherfuckers who feel the need to give examples from your high school life every time a professor covers a new topic in class. Put your fucking fat arm down and just listen to the professor. I know your 18 years of sucking at life makes you the most educated motherfucker in the world and you plan on spreading your knowledge to each and every one of us. Here is a heads up, I don't fucking care... no one could give half a shit. My guess is that you spent your high school career getting beaten down by other people who hate you just like I do. I’m sure you spent your weekends getting assplowed by the swim team. I don't need to hear about your eating disorder, your friends eating disorder or any minute detail of your fucking waste that you call your life. I can only hope that the next time you raise your hand to speak, a fucking angry grenade-wielding midget crawls into your ass and ends the pain for all of us. I hate you, everyone else hates you and we all want you to either shut the fuck up or die. I even hate your parents for creating a child as fucking stupid as you. I can only hope your father’s dick gets mangled in a farming accident to secure the future of this planet from other dumb fucks like yourself being created. Here is a tip: just shut the fuck up and let the professor teach class. They know what they are doing. All I want is for you to shut your damn mouth and maybe we will get out of class 5 minutes early for once. Dick!

Normally I mock the haters, but in this case, I couldn'y agree more.

Hate For Perfection

Michael S. from the Working World

I hate those fucking grammar whores who correct me every time I say "Me and [insert name here] went to a party." By replying "You mean [insert name here] and I went to a party." No I fucking mean ME. I went to college to be an Engineer, not a finicky English teacher. I would right a longer rant on the subject. BUT I GOT SHIT TO DESIGN!!!!

Just think, as annoyed as you are by them, they are equally annoyed by you.

Hate For Fakers


Brian S. from Quinnipiac University

You know who I hate: People with handicap parking signs that don't need them. Have you ever gone to a Dunkin Donuts or a supermarket, and seen an old person getting out of a car in a handicap spot? She is standing up fine, picking up her 15 pound tote-bag like she is Hercules and walking like she's walking more gracefully than your 13 year old sister at ballet class? Bitch. She doesn't need a handicap parking sign for her car. People who deserve those can't walk, run, or knit at the speed of light like this granny could.

Reasons that people are getting these signs today: They are old, blind, fat.

Old: Okay, in my opinion, and hopefully the world's, there is no reason why old people should still be driving, let alone parking closer to my destination than me. Just because they are wise and have seen more of the horrors of life than me doesn't mean that they get to park their boat-like Cadillac (whose mirrors are never used when reversing) closer to the food court in the mall than me. They have had more cheeseburgers than me, I need to catch up by getting there before them (which I’ll probably do anyway because we all know that people with handicap stickers will fake being slow so as to retain the glorious piece of cardboard that hangs from their rearview).

Blind: What!!! Blind people driving? That is almost as fucked up as Bush being re-elected. Think about this, someone who is legally unable to see, has not only continued to carry a license around in their wallet, but gets to park in a blue-highlighted space that they will never know is any different than the others except for the fact that it is a shorter distance that they will have to feel out with their stick thing than I will have to walk.

Fat: Now this is ludicrous. I know Obesity is a problem in our country, but DMV or whoever you are that grants these signs, I say shame on you. You are promoting the fatness. Not only by giving them the sign are you rewarding them for having a couple more Crunch Wrap Supremes or Ho-Ho's, but you are preventing them from the one thing that might help them before they suffer from clogged arteries: the exercise it takes to walk from a farther parking spot outside BK to the line from which they will purchase their future death. Now I always get the,"I'm sorry, it's just gonna be a bit because we have to cook more fries," and I'm sick of it. If could just beat that fat man whose large van was parked horribly between a handicap spot and the holy grail of other spots then i would not have to wait for my craving to subside.

In summary, if you can walk (in any way shape or form for any period of time), have all of your extremities intact, and aren't in a wheelchair, then I say shame on you. For now, take the extra 15 seconds to get to your destination. Someday, your time will come when you get hit by a car or something and get one.

You pretend like it pisses you off, but if you could get one of those stickers you'd love it.

Hate For The Rude

Mauricio C. from the Working World

I used to love to go to the movies, not any more though. I grew more and more agitated of the assclowns who go to the movies and talk on the fucking phone half the movie. You godless bastards answer the phone and say "yeah, I watching a movie, what you doin'?" you cock smoking weasels, I want to take that stupid 3 dollar phone and stick it up your peehole, sideways. But the first warning that one of these shit stains are gonna start is when you hear that "popular song" that sounds bad as a ring tone and has been played out on the radio. And you go “SHIT, it begins” One of the reasons I don’t go to the movies that often, I just want to get up, go up to the cum belcher and take his cell phone and beat them to a coma with it. There should be an attendant with a paintball gun walking around and when one of these assholes starts yappin, the attendant will cap them right in the mouth. You are the reason I prefer to wait until it comes out on DVD. I fucking hate you.

Hate For The Savior

Grant N. from Colby College

I fucking despise the band U2. What worthless, souless, dickless rock and roll. Actually, calling U2 Rock and Roll is really stretching it. Bono can suck the fart out of my asshole. The guy has a ridiculous Christ complex, and his sunglasses make me want to drink strychnine. As for "The Edge," I hope one of those gnarled up old blues musicians he's trying to help in new Orleans eats his soul with some hoodoo voodoo. What the hell is naming yourself "The Edge" about, asshole? Are your squeaky clean pop songs edgy or something? That MUST be it, because you've used that stupid echoing arpeggio thing as the main riff for about 15 songs. it was so edgy that you decided to plagiarize yourself for the next twenty years. If you’re going to use the same riff in every song, at least have some fucking balls about it, like AC/DC or the Ramones. I pray every night that god would smite down these self-righteous hacks. Bono could really use a nice plague of locusts, or maybe just a good 'ol lightning bolt to the nuts. Man, I hate U2.

But who will feed the children when Bono has ascended to heaven?

Hate For Kids

Joe P. from the Working World

My pet peeve are the young girls who came through the line where I used to work, with blank eyes and no sense of humor; walking billfolds, bulging at the seams, with I.O.U.'s for heart and mind alike. I used to work at Starbucks at the Mall of America. It's the cathedral for America's religion of consumerism. And God help me if most of the people who came into my store weren't complete fucking retards. First off, YES, we have those "blended coffee thingys" and YES, you can get yours with "like, a ton of caramel." Second, you looked to be about 11 years old, yet are wearing nicer clothes than I, who works two jobs and wouldn't think of spending four dollars on a drink that consists of corn syrup and sugar, made with pure hate. Third, how DUMB are you to actually pay for this crap? I wouldn't pay FOUR DOLLARS for this unless I had a gun to my back, which, come to think of it, I do anyway. If you want to be treated like a grown-up, get some tea. Or, better yet, start drinking black coffee. And smoking Camel Non-Filtered. And get a job at a bus depot, or better yet, a taxi garage, scraping cum off the back seats. And THEN, MAYBE THEN, I'll treat you like a fucking adult. Do you want to know what you are? You are a walking, talking doll, and accessory for your parents to dress up and discipline. I find it hard to believe that you'll one day be recognized as a functioning adult capable of breeding and (God forbid) voting. This explains why Bush got a second term, and it also explains why I FUCKING HATE YOU.

You're going to be a great dad someday.

Hate For The Fairer Sex

Jay C. from University of Illinois at Chicago

I fucking hate college girls. Yeah that’s right. I often hear college girls complain that their male colleagues are afraid to commit to a relationship. Believe me, it’s not because we don’t want a constant source of sex. It’s more due to the options presented to us within these years. Most girls tend to fit the following schematics:

1. Ms. Too Comfortable With Men

These are usually the females that large groups of guys choose to befriend. They are generally good people. In fact, they are downright kick-ass. She may even be cute. However, they are not the girls to date. She enjoys raunchy talks about sex. After you’re done talking about that one time you fucked that fat girl in your Anthro class just to see if the cushin’ was worth pushin’, she might talk about her sex life. Do I care if you fucked some dude in Stake n’ Shake? This obviously is something that no strait man cares or wants to know. I’m more entertained by the thought that idle married life is spent with receiving non-stop oral sex. Not dick and fart jokes.

2. Ms. I’m Fucking Insane

Oh dear, we all know a few of these. Chances are she is convinced she lives on the set of a romantic comedy, and doesn’t understand why her Richard Gears keeps running away every time she reveals she was at one time a prostitute. She is not fazed by chasing after him. In fact, some professionals argue that they survive solely on the fear of their prey. Their presence on this planet might have actually slowed down the population rate. Why is this, you may ask? Simply put, they are fucking insane, and they show it. Nobody should to reproduce with them. There is always the chance that Lucifer might emerge from her vagina nine months after you got drunk and decided that the thirtieth time she called you wasn’t nearly as creepy as the twenty-ninth. They should all be sent into orbit with a dildo and a month’s supply of Ben and Jerry’s. Sorry. I get a little emotional about these girls. Is it not sad when you cannot sleep comfortably without a wooden stake and necklace of garlic? Welcome to my first semester of sophomore year.

Why even complain about it? You're never going to find a sane one.

Hate For Sloppy Spellers

Adam L. from University of Alabama

I'm sure all of you went through grammar school because you own computers and are reading this article (therefore you not only have the money to go to school, but also can read) yet feel like posting obviously wrong grammatical statements. In the last hate message someone spelled congratulations with a d as it is often done, this wouldn't have been such a problem had it not been FUCKING HIGHLIGHTED. Obviously those ALL CAPS words are more BLATANTLY OBVIOUS than anything else, so if you're going to capitalize something then spell it correctly. Also, people who incorrectly use words that do not have adj. next to them in the dictionary (if they are even in the dictionary) as adjectives. For instance on facebook many of you have seen the typical "I'm a chill person who just likes to relax to my chill jamband music while drinking my chilled o'douls non-alcoholic beers" only one instance of that word is correctly used and every instance of that quote on facebook is from a person who would drink that beverage. Shady is also another word I feel is overly misused by the masses. "Why you actin so shady lately", wrong, "the person who robbed me at gunpoint seemed like a shady character from the get-go", correct. To all of you who these English infractions apply to, stop watching VH1's Flava Flave special and lean to speak CORRECT FUCKING ENGLISH.

I feel like I'm partly responsible for all of this and I'm sorry.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Hate For Sexiness

Dan L. from University Albany

I'm sure I don't stand alone when I say how much I hate the complete homosexuals who feel the need to post 1 or more pictures of themselves shirt free on facebook. Granted facebook is a complete waste of time and nothing more than legal internet stalking of some hot freshman girls that you can "poke"(not saying I am not a member), I stil feel you have a responsibility to not be a complete douche bag. Is it a complete necessity to show the entire student population on your campus that you go to the gym 6 times a week to "get cut". One of the few (and by few I mean few only relating to this subject) other things that annoys me worse than that picture of you at the beach sans your shirt, is the one of you in your dorm room with your camera on a 10 second timer flexing. Everybody knows that you would have no friends, except maybe ones as gay as you, that would take a picture of you flexing and not think you were a complete tool. So CONGRADULATIONS you are muscular and the entire facebook community knows and probably respects you alot less for blatantly showing them, granted you could maybe kick my ass that does not change the fact that you think you are cool because you have muscles and feel the need to show the world via facebook and/or your overly tight AX shirt that you wear to the crappy bars around your college.

If flexing and being jacked is wrong, then I'm about as right as it gets.

Hate For Style

David V. from Texas A&M

I hate all the idiots in movies who try to look like badasses by wearing sunglasses inside or at night. OK we get it your cool, you have a sword/shotgun/etc. and you like to kill shit. Theres no fucking reason for your dumbass to be wearing sunglasses at night or inside. It makes you look like a douchebag. The most notable example that I can think of is the "badass" in Scarface that gives Al Pacino a shotgun to the back. At night, WITH SUNGLASSES ON. No wonder he has to shoot him in the back like a pussy. He probably spent 5 minutes trying to see who he was looking at through those dark lenses. Take off the sunglasses you douchebag!!

Shooting someone in the back is the smart man's way to assassinate.