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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Double-Hate, Health Nuts and Silly Names

Dan from Michigan State

I hate all the Non-Smoking Nazis in this country. I’m okay with bans on smoking in public buildings and such; I can go outside, no big deal. But then you assholes come out of the building and bitch at me because I’m smoking near where you want to walk. Don’t come at me with your idiot complaints and remarks. Next time you come up to me and tell me “That really smells great, thanks a lot.”, and then look at me like I’m the scum of the earth for fouling up your air, I’m just going to say “You’re welcome.”, and then blow a big puff of smoke right in your ugly, self-righteous face. Are you honestly complaining about having to deal with a mildly offensive odor for a brief period of time, or do you somehow believe that the tiny amount of smoke you inhale as you pass by is going to kill you? I know smoking causes cancer and all, but the amount of smoke you manage to inhale before the wind blows the rest away will, in your entire lifetime, add up to like two cigarettes, at most. And if you don’t want to deal with second hand smoke in a restaurant or bar, then you choose a non-smoking venue, you don’t have to make it so every bar and restaurant is non-smoking by law; I like a cigarette with my beer damn it! Why the bloody fuck should non-smokers get every bar in town? And don’t walk up to me on the street and tell me how unhealthy it is. I have that information already, and if it didn’t keep me from buying my first pack, how the hell do you think it's going make me stop. I like my deadly carcinogens, thank you, and I’ll quit when I fucking feel like it.

I also hate all the Scotties of the world. I’ve only met three of you so far, and thank god, because if I had to deal with any more of your bullshit, I’d probably start killing you losers. Near as I can figure, you were pretty much at the bottom of the food chain in high school, and all you can do to feel better about yourself now is to go after me. But of course, just blatantly fucking with me won’t go over that well with the rest of the people in the room, so you have to be all passive aggressive. Don’t tell me that my friends said not to let me back in the room; I’ve been partying there all semester. Don’t ask me if my cigarette tastes good, you are the only person in the room who isn’t a smoker. And goddamn it, you do not need to say my full name every single time you start spewing your bullshit at me. I know you act like this because you see me as the one guy in the room who is more of a misfit than you, but the funny thing is you are the one who doesn’t fit in. I may not have much in the way of social skill, but at least I’m not the one who comes in to say that we should be studying for our finals instead of smoking a bunch of pot, then stand there quietly watching us for a few minutes looking like an idiot, before going back to wherever you came from. Where the fuck did you come from, anyway, because I know you don’t live here. I hope all three of you die in a fiery catastrophe aboard your gay cruise ship.

Dan, take it easy...Scottie doesn't know.

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